I wrote this awhile ago. I’ve kept it for when I finally feel like pressing send. Chances are by time I do make it public I would’ve had surgery already
It’s the weekend before my surgery and I swear I’m having an out of body experience, everything is so surreal. I’ve prepared as much as possible and I’ve spent today cleaning and getting my apartment in order so when I get back it’ll be tidy. Cleaning might seem normal but this is important, this is something I can actually control and these days when I literally am just in a cycle of waiting, I’ll take whatever control I can get.
March 23rd something major happened, my whole life turned upside down, it’s quite on brand for 2020 if we’re being honest. I was diagnosed with Mammary Ductal Adenocarcinoma, a form of Breast Cancer for short. Since then I’ve been caught up in a whirlwind of tests and results and what ifs. At the time, doctor visits were a welcomed distraction, I focused on basically taking each day one doctor’s visit, one laboratory visit at a time. So since we’ve tested all we can (FOR NOW) and It’s time to do the surgery I have no more distractions. I’ve already notified or tried to notify those close to me, I have nothing to keep me busy, nothing to keep my mind from accepting the full weight of all that’s happening. So, I write.
What is there to say? This is by far one of my greatest fears and I would never wish it on my worst enemy but I especially didn’t want it for myself. Nevertheless, I’m glad that I caught it early and all my doctors seem to be very encouraged by that fact. I won’t sit here and write that there is no fear or that I didn’t cry, I straight up hyperventilated in the car after the doctor told me, only my step mother could talk me down her level headed tone snapped me back from panic. I’ve also done all the what ifs and gone through several scenarios, because that’s me, I go through several scenarios even for something as simple a supermarket visit lol. However, I always come out on the other side feeling confident that I am a warrior and I am 100% prepared to fight. I can’t disregard the support that I’ve received from my family & friends. They’ve closed ranks and just made sure that I’ve felt loved & supported while still giving me my space to process this topsy turvy event that’s taken over my life. I am especially grateful to those who’ve pushed their own pain aside to ensure I’m doing well or the friends who’ve rehashed their experience with cancer to share knowledge and make me feel as informed as possible.
I’ve been reading the prayers sent to me and talking to God everyday. I can’t explain how I feel to everyone but I know he knows my heart. If there’s one thing that everyone agrees on (including my doctor) it’s that having a positive mindset is key in the fight and so I’ve made an extra effort. I head into this fight head up, shoulders back, heart strong and ready to #Chelldem because I know I’ll get through this. I don’t know yet what the next steps are but I’ll update you when I can. In the mean time, I leave you guys with my favourite poem.
BY WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.