I Have Cancer
I wrote this awhile ago. I’ve kept it for when I finally feel like pressing send. Chances are by time I do make it public I would’ve had surgery already
It’s the weekend before my surgery and I swear I’m having an out of body experience, everything is so surreal. I’ve prepared as much as possible and I’ve spent today cleaning and getting my apartment in order so when I get back it’ll be tidy. Cleaning might seem normal but this is important, this is something I can actually control and these days when I literally am just in a cycle of waiting, I’ll take whatever control I can get.
March 23rd something major happened, my whole life turned upside down, it’s quite on brand for 2020 if we’re being honest. I was diagnosed with Mammary Ductal Adenocarcinoma, a form of Breast Cancer for short. Since then I’ve been caught up in a whirlwind of tests and results and what ifs. At the time, doctor visits were a welcomed distraction, I focused on basically taking each day one doctor’s visit, one laboratory visit at a time. So since we’ve tested all we can (FOR NOW) and It’s time to do the surgery I have no more distractions. I’ve already notified or tried to notify those close to me, I have nothing to keep me busy, nothing to keep my mind from accepting the full weight of all that’s happening. So, I write.
What is there to say? This is by far one of my greatest fears and I would never wish it on my worst enemy but I especially didn’t want it for myself. Nevertheless, I’m glad that I caught it early and all my doctors seem to be very encouraged by that fact. I won’t sit here and write that there is no fear or that I didn’t cry, I straight up hyperventilated in the car after the doctor told me, only my step mother could talk me down her level headed tone snapped me back from panic. I’ve also done all the what ifs and gone through several scenarios, because that’s me, I go through several scenarios even for something as simple a supermarket visit lol. However, I always come out on the other side feeling confident that I am a warrior and I am 100% prepared to fight. I can’t disregard the support that I’ve received from my family & friends. They’ve closed ranks and just made sure that I’ve felt loved & supported while still giving me my space to process this topsy turvy event that’s taken over my life. I am especially grateful to those who’ve pushed their own pain aside to ensure I’m doing well or the friends who’ve rehashed their experience with cancer to share knowledge and make me feel as informed as possible.
I’ve been reading the prayers sent to me and talking to God everyday. I can’t explain how I feel to everyone but I know he knows my heart. If there’s one thing that everyone agrees on (including my doctor) it’s that having a positive mindset is key in the fight and so I’ve made an extra effort. I head into this fight head up, shoulders back, heart strong and ready to #Chelldem because I know I’ll get through this. I don’t know yet what the next steps are but I’ll update you when I can. In the mean time, I leave you guys with my favourite poem.
Invictus
BY WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
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24 Comments
ShallDon
Words would fail me if I try to use them to tell you how much I love you and your energy! I see the survivor in you and I know it will win! ❤️💪
Kaydeen
Sending you love and light. 🌺 Stay wonderful and courageous.
Amina Wright
This is amazing. You are a woman. You’re a child of God. You’re blessed and beautiful. I’m praying for you, for your strength and continued healing. Bless you beautiful.
Saleem Clarke
I don’t know you, but i do respect your comments and posts. Sorry for all you are going through right now and I will keep you in my prayers. All the best throughout this time and I wish you a speedy and safe recovery. #chelldem
Celia McKoy
I am sorry this is happening to you. I got the same diagnosis a few months ago and had my surgery 3 weeks ago. Faith in God is everything. The love and support of family and friends is priceless. I am doing well and I pray you will be well too.
Rye
Thank you for sharing this with us. Wishing you improved health.
Twitter Fan
Keep strong.
Brenda
I had a sense this is where your journey was going. Don’t know you personally only following on Twitter but as a 12 yr breast cancer survivor myself, I celebrate & applaud you’re “coming out”. You didn’t state what stage you had, I can proudly tell you I was a stage 3, did my mastectomy, 11/14 lymph nodes were compromised, did my chemotherapy, radiation along with immunotherapy treatments and I’m still here celebrating life. Just a word of advice which I follow to this day I’m sure you’ve chosen the best oncologist recommended to you but you have to put your complete trust in them, listen and obey their instructions and they along with the guidance & coverage of the greatest with carry you thru this journey. Nuff love, prayers and respect💚🙏💯💝
Keisha
Bwoy me jus love yuh! Love , Light and Nuff a Mamachel Mac and Cheese and Laughter.
Shante Housen
Stay strong baby girl. You’re in my prayers and you will overcome this.
Lawerence Alexander
Good day Chelan,
It was by chance that I stumbled upon your Twitter handle some time ago but am so happy that I did. You commentary about even mundane events are refreshing and enlightening.
From what I have seen of you so far, I find that you are kind, levelheaded, smart, obviously beautiful and endearing.
I am sorry to hear of your current diagnosis but am also pleased that you have a positive outlook on this. Just as you know that your family and close friends are there for you, know as well that those of us who only know you from Twitter are there as well.
Stay strong @mamachel, you will beat this!!
Lawerence
Rochelle
I saw your story on twitter. Just stopped by to say God has you in his hands🙏🙂
Kirk
Stay positive and fight this Chelan! Cheering for you and thank you for sharing, I can only imagine how difficult this is. ♥️
Simone A Tucker
When my mom was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, I couldn’t swallow and it wasn’t even my body. Didn’t even mention her ‘condition’ to anyone for months. I get where you’re coming from in terms of letting the public know. I cannot imagine you going through this especially with COVID-19 spreading like wild fire. Just know that whatever emotions you feel, they are justified. Cry if you need to, write as much as you want but, whatever you do, don’t bottle up your feelings.
I have two questions and I hope they’re not too invasive, did your doctors say what would have caused this? Like, is there a family history? And do you think women below 40 should start getting mammograms?
I will add you to my prayer list. I wish you a speedy recovery and may you be firmly back on your feet to continue slewing them on Twitter 😂.
Davion Leslie
Hi!
I only know you from social media and, for some reason, you are my favorite social media persons – is that a thing? Having a favorite social media person? At any rate, you are.
I read this with a heavy heart, but was buoyed by your spirit and positive outlook. Sending positive vibrations and thoughts your way and hope surgery went well and that this is now and will remain in your past.
Best!
Davion
Tami
I’m so sorry to hear this Chelan. I’m somewhat at a loss for words. I’ve enjoyed your perspective on things throughout the years from blogging and twitter and this is a huge surprise and wake up call. I wish nothing but the best for you in your recovery and the fight against this monster.
Jodi Gabbidon
My prayers are with you. Thank you for sharing. I pray for a successful surgery for you and that you will rise from this and be stronger than before. I would like to know, being so young, what made you do the test?
Gregg Anderson
Wow, Chel! I had no idea and am full of cliches right now.
But, you got this, Chelan — of this I have no doubt!
“Life’s battles don’t always go to the stronger or faster [wo]man. But sooner or later the man who wins, is the man who thinks [s]he can.”
― Vince Lombardi
My inspirational quote for you!
– G
Taneisha
I came across your twitter account via a retweet late last year. Suffice to say I do not know you at all but can relate wish supporting my mum through her own fight with cancer. It does take a toll mentally, even after surgery. The words of advice you’ve received are definitely on point. Through it all stay positive. I do wish you speedy recovery physically, mentally & emotionally. #chelldem
Gregg Anderson
Wow, Chel! I had no idea and am full of cliches right now.
But, you got this, Chelan — of this I have no doubt!
“Life’s battles don’t always go to the stronger or faster [wo]man. But sooner or later the [wo]man who wins, is the [wo]man who thinks [s]he can.”
― Vince Lombardi
My inspirational quote for you!
– G
PS: I had to correct my typos…
Taneisha
I came across your twitter account via a retweet late last year. Suffice to say I do not know you at all but can relate having supported my mum through her own battle with cancer.
It does take a toll mentally, even after surgery. The words of advice you’ve received are definitely on point. Through it all stay positive.
I do wish you speedy recovery physically, mentally & emotionally. #chelldem
Christopher Kastro Cole
You’ll beat this Chelan. I’ll be praying for you. Take comfort in the below scripture: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10
Tanisha
My darling you have always been a strong one, I have known you from university days and your captivating laughter and words of encouragement always resonates with me. That strength you have within you is what will give you the courage that you need, more so our love and support will help to be the wind beneath your wings. I will always be here if you need me. I will be that rock you can lean because we all need that at times. Laugh, love, live and leap into the unknown. I have your back Chelan.
owen
Get well soon.