Category Archives: Ranting
I seem to have developed a life. As a result, extreme writer’s block has taken place. I did however think of something to blab on camera about. Us females are guilty of sometimes letting our friends too far into our romantic relationship. I sound off and let you know what I feel about that. I also give my opinion on the this whole Emily and Fabulous situation
So Yah! I tried it and really and truly I might just be an old fashioned girl but I like the process of introduction. Like I said in the video above, I prefer meeting someone through someone it’s just what I’m accustomed to growing up in Jamaica. Now E-Harmony <- fucking Fraud. These people made me do this everlasting long ass survey ask all sorts a questions to what point? The stats of half the “matches” that were sent to me made absolutely NO sense or weren’t in my preference. And to me if you’ve done your fair share of multiple choice exams you know HOW to answer a question to pass.
To me E-harmony tries to win by numbers. Let me bombard you with matches from all over and you MUST find someone that you like. At the end of the day I started getting annoyed with all the god darn emails. Listen, I don’t care what anyone says E-harmony is the true stalker. I eventually had to just close my account and ask them NOT to send me anymore emails. and guess what guys? Last night in the depths of my enjoying a night out with friends I get an email from … take a WILD guess. Yep, E- bomboclaat Harmony asking me to do a survey. I was so tempted to tell dem to go survey them mumma. Woosah * sniffs lavendar + chammomile lotion*
What I did learn is that many of my friends, females and males have tried online dating. For some reason I was surprised as I figured it was taboo in my lil old island. It’s funny though most Jamaican’s who tried online dating definitely steered clear of meeting other Jamaicans one friend said ” The Montego Bay and Trelawny man dem scary” <- LMAO
In all fairness I learnt after my E-harmony fiasco that match.com is the better one. ( oh well) As mentioned I do have a friend who is doing it seriously so I’ll tap into her experience and possibly give you guys a more positive review. Till then
Faith & Love (virtual and non virtual)
I recently put up this up on my facebook status…
As you can imagine, I basically opened a can of worms.
In some aspects it’s unfair to single this down to only Jamaican men , I’m sure each nationality has their own problem and some of what I am going to discuss can be applied universally. But I can only speak from my experience. As usual let me give you some background. In this dating scene Im notorious with my friends for Import/Export It seems I have almost always been in a long distance “relationship” of sorts. My friends will tell you it’s because I’m a commitment phobe and I deliberately put myself in those situations because I know they wont work. ( I plead the fifth)
What I will tell you is that recent events had me saying “ok, maybe they’re right. I’m going to give these local men a try” …. Oh lord. I have always been an advocate of “My Jamaican Guy” In some sort of hypocritical way I have always bigged them up even if I was dating them. After all the swagger is undeniable. So I enter this new but not so new realm of “dating” and I have to ask “What the hell have I been advocating?” In the words of Amy Winehouse “What Kind of Fuckery is this?”
There is absolutely zero appreciation. Who is training there motherfuckers? But let me first say it is not ALL Jamaican men. Dremaican you are exempt as probably one of the FEW Jamaican gentlemen I know exist. Okay back to my rant. Slowly but sure it came to my attention that it might be that Jamaican men have fallen out of love with me ( a Jamaican woman), that the men I wrote about in “Let’s hear if for my boys” might not exist anymore. I voiced my feelings to quite a broad spectrum of my male friends and they agreed that while I had a point NOT all Jamaican women were angels. They asked me “How can I be a man like my father, when no woman like my mother is out there?” This got me thinking. While I know i’m a good woman and have basically decided not to settle (reason number ONE I am single) have men lowered their standards because we have lowered ours? I’m not certain but I know that of all the nationalities that I have dated Jamaican men have treated met he worst. Yet still like a fool I keep coming back for my piece of unrequited love. Well I can honestly say that I am Jaded I no longer have any love to give and have taken the hint and im walking away farewell my Jamaican guy.
Faith & Love,
*waits to be crucified*
Excuse the big greeting I’m feeling a bit Charlotte’s Web tonight. I remember in prep school when I gave trouble (yes I wasn’t always an angel) I used to have to write lines and one that always stuck with me was: “Persistent Provocation provokes a patient person depending particularly on the painful punishment after”. Now if you write that a couple thousand times you start to get the drift of the painful punishment after. I digress… After much punishment and consequences brought about by my actions I eventually learned how to adhere to society’s rules. I have since learned tact and how to smile through meetings with people who sometimes make me question if I speak English. Nevertheless, I think I should let you know that while smiling on the outside, IN MY HEAD is a whole different scenario.
The following are occasions where I wish I could distribute some Painful, Punishment, after:
1. When Long ago in one of my vintage post Puncture This where the young man couldn’t change his tire. I was very cordial about the whole situation. Only to vent later on on my blog.
What I was really doing in my head: Putting that lug tool through his head. One nice clean whack.
2. The time when I was on a date with a guy and we kissed and he removed his Timberlands only to reveal a French pedicure. I said,”maybe we are moving too fast”
What I was really doing in my head: Ending up on a episode of Snapped .
3. The time I went on a date and the guy had a chili dog and ended up with diarrhea and blew up my bathroom. I was very understanding and told him it was okay.
What I was really doing in my head: Filing it away for a day… nah I was genuinely sorry for him.
4. I went to dinner once with a young man (he invited me) and when the cheque came it was a mexican stand off in that bitch. I eventually excused myself to the bathroom and left in a taxi. I’m sure he worked it out.
What I was really doing in my head: Drop kicking him across the table while simultaneously screaming ” P@#@y, why you invite me out if you know you dont have no money?!!!! then smothering him with the table cloth.
5. The other day I attended the Jamaica Blog Awards and when they announced the winner for Top Post for 2010 I smiled and waved.
What I was really doing in my head: Pulling a straight up Kanye West, but instead of Hennessey I was up there with a bottle of Appleton Special “Im going give you your moment but _______ had the best post of 2010.
6. When someone takes thirty (30) minutes in a ATM and then come out and ask me for help. I usually smile and and say sure
What I was really doing in my head: Using my debit card as ninja star to throat chop your illiterate ass.
7. A guy in Miami once told me he missed me and i should buy a ticket and he’ll pay me back when I got there. I said “Sure, let me go book the flight”
What I was really doing in my head: “Blank stare, I know this negroe did NOT just try my ass”.
8. When the window wiper offered to wipe my windshield and I said no and he insisted on spraying water all over my car out of spite.
What I was really doing in my head: I used my bottled water and wet him up and then threw the bottle at him.
What I really did: I used the bottled water in my car and wet him up , then threw the bottle at him.
* I didn’t say I was completely reformed.. Jeez!
There you have it folks. The moral of the story is be very careful how you mess/ provoke people. Because you might not like the painful, punishment after. Even if its only in my head
Faith & Love,
Follow me on twitter: @mamachell
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This letter is brought to you by lack of consumer accountability. Im fed up!!!!
I’ve been holding off on writing this letter for a hot minute now. I have had to hold myself back, no matter how hard I tried my page would always end up strewn with profanity all aimed at you. So here I am 7:35 a.m. at the height of my frustration ( a regular thing with you guys) on attempt # billionteen. I got your Netbook in December of 2009 and in all honesty the service was excellent. You had me at connect. I was a Brand Advocate, I cannot tell you how many people would hear me rant and rave about how and I quote myself “Digicel was being mean Claro picked up EVERYWHERE and I had NO PROBLEM with your service”. My, Oh MY how those words have come back to haunt me!?!
Let us Fast Forward to April 2010 when the problem really started. My data plan all of a sudden would evaporate within the blink of an eye. I say this because, 1] I could hardly get connected YET STILL I was going over my Data plan leaving me with EDGE service <— Not much different from the so-called 3 gee where did my internet go?
2] I was not getting connected. What was I paying for? I'm a loyal girl and Claro had been very good to me for the couple of months so I called customer care I listened I learned about when my new data plan would start and when it would end and I was like okay let me give this a chance.
Fast Fast Fast Forward to this month. ANY DAY in this month of August 2010 that I have been able to connect to the internet has been a MIRACLE!! Not just a regular miracle, I'm not talking about finding money in your pocket when you're broke miracle, I'm talking "How did that bottle of WATA just become Yellow Tail?!!" Miracle. Yes people it is THAT serious. After several rants and raves on twitter and calls to customer service and letters to friends who work at Claro and possibly losing a friend that works at Claro ( I'm really sorry girl). I finally got a call from a Customer care agent who took six whole days to confer with her technicians then call me and tell me to …. wait for it…. Bring in my comp-ut-a-DORA <The adventure had been initiated.
As I walked into the Head Office at Knutsford Boulevard in a very indifferent mood I asked for the contact I had been given (James Bond style). They took my comp-ut-a-DORA upstairs to diagnose the problem. People what takes place from here on is both beyond me and sad. I cannot make this shit up, nor would I want to write this dramedy.
Tech: Did you install any anti-virus?
Me: No I haven't un installed anything. The programs are just as Claro gave me
Tech: Well that's the problem…. *insert harp music*
Me: *Leans forward* Pray tell
Tech: Well we searched your computer for viruses (they installed AVASTAR SPYWARE) and there is a virus blocking your connection to the internet so you'll either be completely blocked or bumped off
Me: OOHHH.. So how does that work? Because I can use a LIME modem and get on the internet and I can go to Chilitos and use their wifi and be on the internet all day. How is this "virus" only targeting my wireless manager?
Tech: Well, the wireless manager is a VERY delicate piece of software and so you have to just be very careful. It's actually a problem that we have been looking into.
Me: So if I remove this "virus" I can get on the internet
Tech: Well sometimes a virus can permanently alter a softwares.. blah blah blah…
Me: Well do you have any suggestions as to who I can go to remove this virus, as this is something you have been looking into?
Me: *shifts weight to left hip, cocks head to side* Blank Stare
* No I didn't make this up! Yes I have the voice notes ….
The Adventure continues….
I do what I should have done in the first place. I take the computer to my friend, Computer guru @josip2306 who cleans my computer of all virus' and gets me connected to the internet. However, we have yet to find this mysterious virus blocking access to the internet. It turns out there was a setting in my network connections that had been de-activated. After days of no connectivity, I am ecstatic. I go home and I post a blog, I eat dinner I take my medication and prepare for a night of catching up. Silly girl. Here it is again "timeout" my modem cannot connect.
Claro, I will not be paying that $63,000 to “buy out” my contract. If it was a fault of mine. I would more than fair but you sold me a product KNOWING your service sucked. And that blanket clause in the consumer contract is NOT CUTE or FAIR, you know the one im talking # 13 on the back. But such is life.
I have called Consumer Affairs and what do you know, they have other complaints about this service. (BIG SHOCK).
In your quest to beat Digicel and to make them fret you have completely missed the bar as to what endears them to us so let me remind you. When Digicel came out it wasnt that EVERYONE could have a phone it was that EVERYONE could have an affordable phone that WORKED. They treated everyone like a STAR customer, from the farmer to the CEO everyone felt important because we truly felt like we mattered we gave them our loyalty.It is a formula that they have stuck to. Even in their new promotion, they have a map highlighting where has 4-G coverage so you are not duped. In those few sentences, can you see how you have missed the bus? It is NOT about little children singing off-key , or young men dancing in water or surf boarding its ALL about your end product. *Whispers 4-G*
When I googled Claro I saw this data plan ad you did and when I saved it for this blog it cracked me up that the blog Silicon Caribe coded it as Claro-false-advertising.
The word is out there, people know your service is shit.. Good luck, because in Jamaica word of mouth starts and ends many a business.
I have a feeling that just like Miphone we’ll soon be saying Hasta La Vista once more.
Faith and Love,