Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: She’s A hoe?


So this is another guest blog post. However my guest has requested that they remain anonymous. Looking forward to the comments…

Hip Hop has me thinking ‘bout hoes…

I recently switched my morning routine from power 105.1 to Hot 97 because I couldn’t take the constant stream of misogyny from Charlemagne the God. But after a few days I realized Cipher Sounds & Rosenberg are just as ignorant. My need to hear hip hop in the morning has me thinking about the state of women… specifically what makes a chick a hoe & what it is about hoes that makes men so mad.
(Examples are too numerous to list… just go online & listen to either station… promise you’ll understand.)
A “Hoe” is a female who has sex outside of a committed relationship to “get something” from a man. A female in a committed relationship who uses sex to get something from a man e.g. wash my car = get cootchie, is simply “wifey”, and being wifey is supposedly a good thing.
Want to piss a man off … say you like the chicks on Basketball wives. Evelyn on Basketball Wives is a hoe. We really don’t know who she’s been with, but when Royce told her to “close her legs” on the VH1 Reunion Special, everybody clapped.
Why? She’s a grown ass woman who seemed to keep it pretty tame by reality TV standards. But she slept with a man on the first date – a rich baller man, and that earned her the label “Hoe” and all the disrespect that comes with it.
We know Royce slept with a dude on the show. But since it was a dude she waited months to let “hit it” – a dude who was her man, no shade there.
In the end Royce sleeps with one guy and ends up in a short-term relationship. Evelyn sleeps with one guy, gets a ring and ends up in what for all intents and purposes should be a long-term relationship, and she’s da hoe. Why?
I wonder if we knew when she went in that it would end up being real [or at least engagement real]if we still would have given her shit. You don’t see people calling all dem girls on The Bachelor “Hoes”… and those tricks lining-up to swap spit with a dude who just literally just left a date with a next chick (a next chick who shares the same kitchen!).
Is it because we think Evelyn only did it for money? What if Evelyn didn’t get the ring and did it for the reason she said – to have some fun cuz she saw Ocho’s fine ass and just wanted to f*ck. How would we have felt about dat?
Are chicks who simply get down for pleasure… are they respected? Not really. Trust me I know.
To be all the way honest with y’all – In the right light, and if we’re going strictly by the numbers, I’m a hoe. I’ve had sex with a large number of men. Hell, I’m not religious, I travel and I drink… sex happens, often. Rum + idle = good times.
Now, very few folks think of me as whoring… I stay out of any kind of “shine” and keep my actions to myself. But, if I had to wear my number on my sleeve, I know there would be shade.
Because there are very strict unwritten rules about the ways in which “good” women should have sex. And if you’re not a good woman, you’re a hoe.
And I’d love to say that the shade hasn’t bothered me… but it’s affected me in ways you wouldn’t always suspect. There are relationships I have walked away from because of personal guilt caused by sleeping with a dude “too soon”. And let’s be clear, it’s not the dude who wasn’t interested in making it meaningful, it was me assuming his intentions couldn’t be right because I had in some way sullied myself by getting some early out.
I’ve also felt guilt for “giving it away”. I never use sex as leverage – I’m not sleeping with you so you’ll buy me a car, or take me to dinner, or make me your wife – I’m sleeping with you because you’re cute and funny and sexy and I kinda just want to see what it would be like. And some days I feel awful about that… cuz I know, that’s not how I’m “supposed” to act…
If I had a penny for the guilt I feel for not needing to be in love before I lay it down… I would be a wealthy chick.
So I ask you… how are women supposed to have sex? And why doesn’t having sex for pleasure affect our views of a man?

Author: Mamachel

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20 Comments

  1. Soo my comments are …. What makes a hoe ? Well I think the writer said it best , she keeps her antics under wraps because as much as women try to find it decent women tht is , u can’t fuck like a man and be a lady …especially when men have a habit of asking u ur number , which they should never do cus we’ll lie…anyway …if u keep it under wraps then the whole world doesn’t know , cus as much as ur bad u can’t fight an issue as old as time …..proverbs 31 says it who can find a virtuous woman for her price is far above rubies…
    Which brings us to Basketball wives and ms evelyn first off I like evelyn but u notice evelyn did a pokey gamble , notice she didn’t screw all the other regular poor dudes , she waited on the guy with the most mileage , he bought her some gifts and a plane ticket so ok”at least”…..royce won’t be called a hoe because royce did what ppl call “due diligence” she waited tested him out , even though every woman on earth knows a man can wait a year for front and still dog u anyway , but u did ur due diligence…and well other girls do “at least” , at least u got dinner , at least u got a watch , house , car , sommen to show for ur pokey giving…..and having done both I can tell u the dogging doesn’t hurt any less , and the relationship has the same 50/50 gamble of working anyway

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  2. I swear I’m giving you a standing ovation right now! This is a topic that really pushes my buttons… Even more so because i don’t think we as women realize that the change has to come from us!!! Yes… Us!!! Do we think men are gonna change the double standards? Why should they when it suits them so frikking well?! When it gives them the advantage?!
    WE as woman have to unite (I know it sounds corny) and stand up for women like Evelyn who clearly own their sexuality and who they are, jus like men stand up for each other. I feel like we waiting for a divine order to say ‘ok girls, its okay to fuck and not feel shady’… The consequences are different for men and women because WE make them so – and I think that’s fundamental for us to understand. We agree with men who speak poorly of sexually liberated women because we feel it gives us a notch up on them. Meanwhile the men are sitting back laughing, like it or not they are #winning!!!
    And yes we have come a long way from Scarlet letter days but do we wait another century for things to even up?? I’m already there ladies and I would really love some company!

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  3. I enjoyed reading this post. Partially because I recently started a conversation on Twitter abt ‘numbers’ and the fact that most females do lie about their numbers to the men they are involved with in fear that the real number may push them away.

    I actually have much respect for females who can have sex without doing it for some ulterior motive and whether they are in a relationship or not, I don’t think this makes them a ‘hoe’. They have made their choice as they are entitled.

    On the other hand, women who hold out on sex and use it as a weapon to convince men to commit and those who trade sex for anything from a ring to a house to a KFC meal, I have a problem with them. All you are doing is high class prostitution.

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  4. ok im not seeing my earlier comment which is ok cus this one is a combo ….
    if u take the examples given by the writer youll notice she calls herself a hoe ….but probably only her , her best friend and her subconscious knows just how much of a hoe she is….and therein i assume lies the difference…if ur the wifey and you get house car and land , then ur not a hoe , if u arent the wifey then ur a hoe even though u both screwed a man to get it ….but admitting you screw a man for money or for fun , well multiple men anyway doesnt sit well with either sex.. the difference betweeen miss wifey(royce) and miss hoe(evelyn) , are simply two different schools of thought…hoes ( who fuck for tings) do “at least,” wifeys or wife like minded women , do “due diligence” never mind that most women including me will tell u point blank , bruck man dont make it but still there is something upsetting abt a woman who bend over two time and suddenly drive range , for one u know she dont wine better than u , so wtf! …

    At least women believe in show and tell , see my range, see my bed, see my paris trip, bloody hell see my watnot , yupp praises be to my pokey …due diligence women believe in the wait and see, so i waited 6 mths and in the 6mths , he called everyday , three times a day, he took me out to dinner every night, he bought me rubies , diamonds and pearls , so ok pokey time….the sad thing is at the end of it , both women, both schools of thought have one goal , theyre getting something for their pokey ….cus the truth of the matter is the pokey is leverage….those of u in committed relationships , the top ten things u man did when he was trying to get u , if you;ve been together over 18 mths how many of those ten things does ur man still do?

    alot of these “at least” women , hoes, gold digging skanks,skettyboom as we call them , are hardly ever born this way , something happened to make her that way , and at the root of it, is the treatment meted out to her by some one she knows or herself by some man …..”at least” is ur way of one upping a man, its ur just in case , due diligence is a way of saying u might not by the cow but fuck if u nah go buy the milk….because as much as men like to call women who sleep around and on the first date and who have to go on all ten fingers and toes and have them bff hold up their hands as well, WHORES ,we all know a man can wait a year , a man can wait two years and fuck and duck anyway ….and he can wait a day and fuck and stuck ….

    And btw all these men calling those women gold diggers , everyone knowwws u cant change a man , or make a man do something he doesnt wanna do hence the ridiculous amt of mistresses/mateys/hoes on this earth…so question what u tryung to say when u spend ur money , its cause ur a nice guy and expect nothing but a smile in return…..or is it ur “due diligence”

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  5. if i had a quarter for every time i’ve had this conversation i’d be able to buy a healthy portfolio of stocks in apple and microsoft…it’s double standard bullshit. just another way to craddle a man’s ego and belittle a woman’s freedom of “expression”. meanwhile, homeboy is a “pimp” or “player”. most guys i speak to say it’s different for a woman, because it’s not “lady-like”. who set the standard for what “lady-like” is? a bet you my healthy portfolio it wasn’t a woman…

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  6. I’ve tackled or tried to tackle this same issue on my blog and people still seem shy to really get into the reason for the double-standard. Well, they’re either shy or jaded and just accepting of things as is. It could be a power issue for men. Women care more about what society thinks of them- we’re raised that way. Men know this and they try to use it against women as a means of control. Women buy into the double-standard because, at the end of the day, we just want to please men. It’s a defect, I swear. The few who dare say they don’t want to are either lying or…. *drum roll* hoes. U see how it works? Quite sad.

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  7. yupppo they allow it to continue cus let it not be said that they are a hoe, and remember men chat nuff and as much as men claim women listen to their friends too much , let me tellu nuttttten nuh listen to dem fren more than man , and a man ego alone nah go allow it fi be said him wife up nooo mattress……worseee if the fren have fren whe “pass thru it” already…..thts whyy women lie abt the “number” cus as ,much as men claimm they can handle it they cantt and they use that shit against u ….and no woman nah lose her “good good” man ova no number ….

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  8. Okay, I can’t believe I just read a whole post that referenced Basketball Wives, so kudos to the author for keeping me interested enough throughout.

    I did lose my suspension of disbelief when she stated, “You don’t see people calling all dem girls on The Bachelor “Hoes”…” — HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    *AHEM*

    My two cents is, there’s no magic time for when a man or woman should have sex. I’ve had sex with a lady early, and with them late — which have both resulted in long and short relationships, so to each there own I say!

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  9. Sure the world still leans more towards being patriarchal… but more and more it seems to me that the negative “hoe” label comes from other women far more than it comes from men. A popular quote on Misogyny reads: Misogynist – a man who hates women as much as women hate each other.

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  10. We say ‘society’ like is not just men and women here… We have the power to change the standards

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  11. I can’t believe I misspelled “their”… *CRINGE*

    My last bit to add, which is a saying I heard on a recent trip to Trinidad (although I don’t know if it’s a Trini saying):

    “A Lock that opens to every Key is nothing special, but a Key that can open many Locks is truly magical.”

    LOL!

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  12. like it or not, the society we live in is double standard, and where as a man will get accolades for the amount of women he’s been with, a woman will be seen as a hoe. i personally love a sexually liberated woman, and if we were to get together, i’d probably not want to now who you’ve been with, worse if i happen to know some of them. i have a girlfriend right now who’s been with a couple of my friends, and i dont judge her for it, she wanted to fuck, and they were there at the time

    but i realise you only become labelled as a hoe, when the man dem you fuckin wid chat!! and it would also be a good idea not to fuck in the same circles, know what i mean 😉

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  13. But hold on deh. Every woman >= 25 years old who started dating at 17 and has switched boyfriends since have mileage -__-. But as long as your vajayy is well tight & not toxic, isn’t that an adult female’s prerogative? YES! People ho with more than sex to get what they want, which is sometimes way less than what ‘sex for prize’ people get. If we’re not talking about your religious connotations of fornication on a whole, then everybody need to mind their own business though, in real life! When I use the word hoe, I more refer to the ethics surrounding giving up the vajay..For example, a female with 3 kids living in a 1 bedroom, and taking man in the said room; OR sexing ONLY men your female friends have had before…those priceles acts are HOEdom. NOT the mere fact of using your OWN vajay for fun!

    Luvs,

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  14. The question you asked here is a question I ask girls all the time! I think we (society) is turning girls into either
    1. Liars – where they feel they have to lie about who they slept with and how many people they slept with and how SOON they slept with that person in order to not be labelled a ho.

    2. A Group of sexually frustrated women who WANT to explore and have sex with new and different people but feel that they can’t or shouldn’t because then they’d be labelled a ho.

    This kind of pressure is especially important as the smaller the society is, the easier it is to ‘get that label’ so women have to be extra careful (liars) in order to protect their reputation.

    My motto, live and let live. If a woman wants to sleep with a guy on the 1st date? So what? I may or may not do it, and I surely wouldn’t want her or anyone else to look down on me for doing that, so I’m in no position to look down on her for doing that. If she wants to sleep with a guy because he’s buying her a BMW, that’s her business. Plenty men sleep with women because they have big boobs…. at least she gets to keep the BMW…. the guys don’t get to keep the boobs!

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  15. I think that ‘we’ are conflating “sexually liberated” with “hoe.” The two are not the same in my opinion. The latter, which is the subject of this post, is a man or woman who has sex frequently and without compunction with many many many partners. S/he is just promiscuous. That to me is just irresponsible and I don’t get why anyone would want to live being so free with your body with any & any body. Call me judgmental but that’s just what I think. Something just seems off to be so free with your body…not something I’d choose for myself *shrug*. But if that man or woman is honest about his/her behaviour then so be it & that I can respect…if you’re gonna choose a certain lifestyle/behaviour then love it up and stop hiding. Can’t stand a liar. ALL that said, I understand the frustration with society’s double standard; I don’t like it even with my personal opinion on those who’re hoes.

    A sexually liberated woman is different, I think. She’s the woman who’ll take charge in bed & not just lay there like a plank or act like sex is a chore, she’ll make the first move, she’ll be adventurous and in tune with and in charge of her body. She’ll know what she likes + how she likes it and will like to be pleased & to please her partner. That sort of thing. Doesn’t mean she’s laying down with every man in sight, but when she chooses someone she’s ready to enjoy the sex and not feel inhibited in the bedroom.

    I make a distinction because women weren’t always thought to be sexual beings. Some societies still feel that way…we were just play things and vessels for carrying children. Maybe that’s where the double standard is rooted. Anyway, laying claim to that sexuality & enjoying your body and its responses and nuances is a beautiful thing. But to take it aaalll the way left to fucking freely with every smadddy?! Nah.

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    • Alice Claire …. 100% agree with ur comment. enjoy sex all you want … just not necessarily with every tom, dick, harry, matthew, mark, peter, john and joe grind!!! same goes for men too. people in general need to be a little more selective with whom they share their body.

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  16. I’m in total agreement with Akil and Mali above. Whosoever a woman wants to have sex with and how many men she wants to have sex with should be her concern. Why should u care if she is fuqqin the world? As long as it doesn’t infringe on your property, I can’t see how her choices affect you.

    Alice and uncensoredmind, I have to beg to differ. Why should a woman be considered a hoe because and judged because she does what she want with what she owns. It hers, not yours. Its her thing she distributing freely. The way I see it, to each his own. If ur not comfortable doing it, then don’t. But don’t cast judgement on someone who does. We all have different views on different things for different reasons.

    As long as what she is doing is not to the detriment of society (see ‘sex with kids in 1 bedroom’ comment above) then I see no reason why the woman should not be allowed to conduct herself as she sees fit.

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    • Well it’s fine if you disagree with me, Stacy. It is also OK for me to disagree with and/or have an issue with women and men who decide to be extraordinarily free with their bodies. (Note that I have an issue with men and women.) I understand how & why you may consider this point of view judgmental and frankly I don’t care. O & please note that I don’t think men & women who can be labelled hoes (see He Said response for a definition) or who claim that they are hoes are bad or evil people. Far from it. I’m just expressing my opinion on behaviour that I think is often irresponsible & likely betrays far more serious issues than merely having sex.

      Plus I just don’t get how folks are comfortable f**king all & sundry. Maybe that’s because of my experiences & ideas about sex and intimacy. Exercise your freedom of choice of yes, that is everyone’s right. Just don’t expect me to agree with your personal choice. That’s all. Too much for a blog post comment I think.

      As for how a woman’s hoe-ish behaviour affects me: I and other more (I think) discerning women have to contend with men who think I’m a hoe. Or even not as extreme men who think that I’m OK with casual sex because so-and-so woman is OK with it. A basis for a stereotype has been created & then I’m automatically placed in that group. I hate that. Furthermore sometimes when I or someone else with views similar to mine resists that label or expectation, other derogatory labels abound: prudish, eggs up, immature. O & the doozy: you’re too stressed man, likkle sex will do yuh good…yuh need fi free up man & relax. Um, no. I hate that. It’s simply that I choose to exercise ability to choose partners more selectively.

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  17. First of all, I agree with Alice on pretty much everything she’s stated. The only difference is I fully subscribe to a person doing whatever they want IF the parties involved are willing to accept the consequences; which is most often not the case. Now, sex is as each generation perceives it to be, according to mores and taboos prevalent at the time. Essentially the question should always come back to what was erotic at the time in question and what was merely seen as normal behavior in society at the time. Therefore to cross the social boundary existing at that point in time, will carry an erotic charge. I believe that women have the right to express themselves sexually as long as they don’t feel exploited. They have the right to do what they want with their bodies as long as they feel natural, comfortable and at all times have the choice of saying NO to anything that doesn’t feel right. BUT I also feel that not because we men do it, that it is right so using the “if men can do it why can’t we” argument is really tired in my opinion. For me, my own personal arousal comes from attraction based on a connection with a person and not just for pleasure; and i’m a man if you haven’t guessed. Arousal does not make me lose all common sense. Gratuitous sex neither empowers nor validates us. Responsibility does.

    I know a lot of women who are afraid of relationships because of past experiences. This has caused them to become scared of falling in love; for fear of making the same mistakes. But at some point they have expressed regret at the additional cost in time that all these hook-ups take away from their life. This includes preventing them from spending time with men who might want a relationship or even worse being totally unable to recognise when the right man is willing to offer his love; and the reverse is also true of men. I know one woman who deep down regrets not getting serious with the guy who she now considers her best friend when he was available, and as such, he is happily married to another woman. She’s not overly jealous but she says there is always the question of “what if…?” running through her mind. And she is still single and searching. That being said if you are an adult and you make certain decisions, one must also be prepared to accept said consequences.

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