Editor’s Note: Hey Guys! Love that my guest male writer is keeping the posts frequent and controversial. So I recently did a Vblog on Open relationships–> Click Here Well Mr. Urchin decided to dig a little deeper. Check his views after the jump
Ok,so here it is,at long last,the blog post I’ve been researching and interviewing people about for a month now. I know some of you thought I was procrastinating on writing this and some of you thought I wouldn’t do it at all (ahem…*mamachel*).
The Male perspective on “Open” relationships…or more specifically “can women handle them?” I just left California where I spent a lot of time grilling a friend of mine who’s been openly “poly amorous” for almost a decade. For those of you who aren’t as open minded or well-read as them California-folk are, that means he “engages in consensual, ethical open intimate relationships with multiple partners”
Now I know what your thinking…“That describes every Jamaican man” but no, this is different….wanna know why? One simple crazy notion called Honesty. Recurring theme in my blogs, you will notice.
So here’s the basic tenet: you meet someone you’re interested in and at the beginning of the first date, if not before, you TELL HER that you’re philosophy is that a person can love more than one person and that this is your lifestyle choice. My friend tells me that this is the point many potential love doors are slammed shut…“Many women express their unwillingness to proceed romantically at this point but *Every* woman without fail has thanked me for being honest and usually we finish our date normally and pleasantly” – quite a bit different from the normal plate throwing drama when a woman DISCOVERS during a relationship that you’ve been doing the same thing eh?
Now if the woman agrees to proceed…check this…this is where it gets complicated and more difficult : you remain honest throughout the relationship. When you want to add someone new to the dynamic you inform her first…and in an ideal world introduce them to each other and hope to God they get along…seen “Savages”? No?….go rent it or bit torrent it…ill wait…. ok? understand better now?
So there you in happily and honestly dating 2 or 3 women (that’s the usual accepted #) that even get along with each other, maybe even living together and splitting bills…happily ever after right?
Well, sometimes…about as often as monogamous relationships the statistics say.
Interestingly, My friend points out that its usually the MAN who develops issues with this situation when the woman starts to seek an additional male partner. For straight men who aren’t quite compersive* enough to the idea of their girlfriends being with other men – the Utopian situation is that he’s dating a bi-sexual or predominantly gay woman who loves him and seeks out only other female lovers.
I mean which guy wouldn’t say “oh you want to bring that 23 year old Zumba instructor into our circle of love? Sure honey”
Penises are strange things, almost like a 2nd personality really…whereas it seems women are more likely to be alright with sharing a man with two or more women…when another Phallus enters the room we get as nervous and edgy as Charlie Sheen in rehab.
The truth is that being in an “open” or Poly relationship is more about being honest with one’s self about one’s emotional capacity, how many people can you be completely present for in a romantic relationship while still having time for yourself?
Conventional wisdom says one, most Poly people say two to three. Others may say eight or an even dozen…whatever… but whether male or female we may not be being as honest about our true capacity to be present with each person, or may simply not be engaging in very deep relationships at all. lets face it – most of us are barely complete enough to engage deeply with One lover…don’t flatter yourself.
*’Compersion’ being a poly community created word for something that didn’t exist in the English language before- its the opposite of jealousy. Like being happy knowing your partner is getting good grind somewhere else, much like one would be happy for a good friend.” <- Sounds like uptown Kingston (Yes this is Mamachel)
- The End,
Urchin
Follow this man at: @brandnewmachine
lol at Urchin….I agree that both parties can handle an open relationship (when notified at the on set) esp if it is a casual relationship. However, as much as it is the norm for we women to understand and accept this ‘phenomenon’, it becomes complicated for both parties when feelings get ‘deeper’. For a man who really checks for and loves a woman…it is HARD for him to fathom her flinging it up on another man…while for women, its quite the norm to expect a man to have more than 2 women…so women are more capable of handling it. Society has cultured our mindset into the open possibility of infidelity. Where it becomes a problem for women is that point when the guy is unable to treat her with priority above the rest (understandably so if its not a committed one, a man that has more than 2 women will have his affection and attention divided). Most women in an open relationship just wants to be treated “like the only girl in the world” and if she is not feeling that way then it becomes detrimental lol. Men are not so skilled in handling it. Look on Mr. V lol….Prime example without the child issue. (nah call no name)
Ok lets say they were not clear of each others lifestyle and the woman happen to find out he has many women….Check the stats…There’s a higher possibility she will stay through it. But mek she be the one to find another man….Woi, him world turn upside down (assuming this has gone beyond the casual stage and now into the “I love you” stage)
Mek sense?
Very interesting post. To each his own. As long as honesty is involved, no problemo for me. My issue when it comes to this openness (/cheating) thing (apart from the dishonesty that sometimes results) is the “excuse” that one woman can’t satisfy one man. To be honest, I think it’s a fallacy that ONE person can completely ‘complete’ another person. On top of that, the hottest part is when men tend to think one man can satisfy a woman!!! While men may (up for debate) feel a much stronger desire to be with multiple sexual partners, what makes you think that women don’t feel that way? Context. While I may not want to have sex with several men at a time, surely there are other things that multiple men can provide! So while one man can be for the ‘grind’, the other one is for the affection and attention, the other for good conversation, etc. etc. I am not ignoring the fact that one person can have most or even all the characteristics necessary to please their partner. However, I think it’s short-sighted to think that generally women are the ones that are satisfied and men are the ones that are not. A bit off tangent but the point is men generally can’t take having competition for their spouse, but women are expected to share and understand and a just so the thing set. A little honesty will forever go a long way. Man up boys.
“i think it’s a fallacy that ONE person can completely ‘complete’ another person.” YES. very much agreed. I feel like we have all been fed a fairy tale to find the ONE that matches you emotionally, sexually, spiritually, intellectually, politically, etc. Whatta whole heap of expectation to have on anyone! i basically believe that we all already practice polyamory because we know it is foolishness to only love one parent, one friend, and if you have more than one child, you don’t just love one. we love them all. it’s only when it comes to romantic relationships that we have been socialized to believe that you must find the ONE. which people don’t anyway. we gravitate towards people who meet parts of us. so i feel you Jem, when you say that “one man can be for the ‘grind’, the other one is for the affection and attention, the other for good conversation, etc. etc.”
i also hear the double standard of perception that you are calling out around male vs. female sexuality and satisfaction. at this point the most people i know who are wanting to open up their marriage are actually *women*. as much as men would probably not want to think about it, one could argue that women are sexually superior beings. us men are usually done after one orgasm a night (maybe 3 tops!!) and women can keep coming their brains out indefinitely. it could be said that many men are unconsciously scared of the true sexual power of a woman. (Grace Jones!! Lady Saw!! ahhh!! scary!!) hence, we men are socialized to control and possess it. living in a patriarchal society where we men are socialized to run tings, and even to perceive women as “our property”, and then feel emasculated if “our woman” is with another man… these are conditionings that would have to be transcended in order for this lifestyle to really work.
im not sure who ur replying to….cuz u seem to be saying alot of what i already said in my blog.
replying to, and affirming Jem’s comment- and also affirming your great post too!
Yeah, I’m not very “compersive”…
lol ya most men arent.
The subject is well treated, the conclusion is very honest!
you speak of honesty I would add confidence.
I think a woman is more able to handle this situation than a man just because this one will overshadow the other, although knowledge of their existence, if she feels important to him … a man can not do so, the dominant male instinct is still present, the ideal is to find a suitable person to accept this situation, but that does not necessarily want to develop another relationship on his side.
However I do not think that such a relationship is viable over the long term in any case with initial training, there will inevitably breathlessness!
The only question that remains unanswered is then: What is the depth of feeling in such a open relationship?
My answer to me: certainly not that of a unique relationship that sometimes can already be complicated, but definitely manageable so well defined at the base …
“i’m already too much woman for just one man.” – Grace Jones
the thrill oftentimes supersedes the consequences, and as such the events of polyamorous relationship tend to look only at one side of the pendulum swing. my basic finding? it’s all fun and games until feelings get involved, but i do agree that honesty is imperative in any relationship. honesty with oneself even more so. the heart wants what the heart wants. desire feeds desire. many times there is no cross talk.
is there not like a tv show about this on showtime?
I think this is great insight into the world of ‘Open relationships’. I saw the movie Savages and for a couple mins well I was convinced this might not be such a bad thing lol….however in reality most people are socially conditioned to accept a traditional monogamous relationship as the norm. Even if we’re curious about ‘open relationships’ deep down most of us will feel more secure and comfortable with what they have been socialized to accept since they were young. As the guy above mentioned….if a guy cares about a woman he’s conditioned to think ‘she’s mine’ and although women would handle the set up easier if she cares about a guy she def isn’t gonna really want to share him with whoever….well at least thats my humble opinion. I think ultimately its an individual choice. I agree that you should be honest about what you can handle and what will truly make you happy and fulfilled…not what society dictates or whats the popular trend but what really feels right for you and if that happens to be a lifestyle of ‘spreading your love’ with lots of people and not necessarily focusing on one person…Go for it. But I know it definitely wouldn’t work for me. If I ever felt that I had this undying need to screw different men or ‘sharing love’ with other men then I would choose a Bachelorette lifestyle and not let things get complicated with a ‘open relationship’.
here is highly recommended listening: an amazing, and fun panel discussion that took place in Oakland, California, where 75-100 people (all black and brown) showed up to talk frankly about open relationships. perspectives from men who date women, women who date men, men who date men, women who date women… historical!!
http://soundcloud.com/poly-poc-oakland/lovin-outside-the-box-pocs
Pingback: How to Redefine an Open Relationship « L.E.G.A.C.Y.
Interesting read, true stuff. Honesty helps but even so things dont work out as they should. Whatever floats theri boat.