Guest Post: 10 Ways Not to Fuck it Up ( Now that you’re my woman)

Urchin’s Note: “Having been in and out of my fair share of relationships over the last few decades and co-authored some of the better and (to be fair) -worse- results possible…I hereby pass on some of my observations and advice. Bear in mind that I’m no expert…ok enough modesty – here goes:”

1.Expect the expected: Most relationships fail for 1 of 2 reasons…a lot of women expect a man to change once you get him…newsflash : he won’t. If he smoked weed when you met he aint stoppin now…if he played dominoes, hit Medusa and then #BNM and came in drunk every Weds night…make no early morning plans on Thursdays, zeen?

2. False Advertising : Reason 2 most relationships fail is that men get u and expect u NOT to change and y’all DO.
Not cool…don’t start settling into “alright now I can stop trying” mode or else you’ll find urself single before you put down your toothbrush.

3. I like Sex and candy : When we first start dating its Kama Sutra and stripper heels in the bedroom…6 months in and ALL of a sudden its the lunch menu now? Don’t make me beg for head…and on my bday put that sexy lingerie on. Guys…same goes for us…you won’t get if you dont’t give. Which brings me to #4…

4. Tit for tat : A foot massage goes a long way Gents…and so does unexpected flowers, jewelry or a weekend getaway…depending on ur budget of course. Ladies don’t let these efforts go unrewarded or the supply will dry up like an old woman’s panties. If we send you on a spa day…come back horny or you won’t be going again anytime this century.

5. Chick flicks are for chicks : Don’t drag me along to that new (insert lame new hearthrob name here) flick or expect us to start watching Lifetime, Oxygen or whatever other estrogen heavy programming you’re into. If we do watch and feign interest for 20 mins don’t think it means we like it…we just like YOU. On the other hand if you start watching UFC and NFL with us…your life expectancy as Wifey just grew tenfold.

6. Men are like Dogs, Women are like cats : We love attention, we’ll take it from anyone…in almost any form..Have you ever smashed a dog on the head repeatedly with your hand? Does he run away? No. That’s how we are…simple. But just because we accept random attention doesn’t mean we don’t know who our owner is and She is Queen above all…no matter who is petting us…just call and we’ll come.

7. Communicate : Talk to each other…not AT each other…My Dad, who’s been happily married to my Mom for 49 years says the key to a long and happy relationship is communication and conversation…”No matter if my day was good or bad, nothing happens to me until I’ve told it to her”…romantic you say, practical I say…pure true genius.

8. Time management:We don’t need to be joined at the hip or we’ll never create new “one time at band camp” stories to tell each other…on the other hand we DO need to spend significant amounts of time together…or else why bother eh? I mean, If we’re “fully official” and I only see you once a month you should Just buy a vibrator and some good books – I’ll get the full adult package on Flow and a six pack of Guiness and call it a day.

9. Friends : Mine are mine, yours are yours…ours are ours. Keep ‘em separated…wherever the intersect is fine but don’t force it and don’t feel pressured to like my frens…and don’t ask me to like yours…that’s what private time, dominoes and chick flicks are for.

10. Honesty : It’s like pepper sauce…few people can really digest a lot of it. This one goes both ways…guys the answer to “does my ass look fat in these pants” is only ever ‘yes’ if your dating a stripper. Ladies although we shouldn’t ever ask “did you cum”…the answer is always yes. Give us pointers NEXT time. Also I don’t care how many partners either of us have had – don’t ever compare our genatalia to a previous jockey’s package. Thanks but NO THANKS.

Read, review and internalise the above 1-9. I mean jeez…do you guys ever listen?? Not that we’re any better…

-The End-

-Urchin
Twitter: @brandnewmachine